Stop Ordering Vegetarian and Hawaiian Pizzas

Pizza is far and away the most popular food for parties and casual get-togethers. There are all kinds of pizza makers who will deliver pizzas right to your door, you can eat it with your hands, and your guests aren’t left with any bones to discard. Just order up a bunch of pepperoni, deluxe, and cheese pizzas and everyone will be happy, yet for some unfathomable reason virtually everyone orders the two most universally hated pizzas in the world; Hawaiian and vegetarian.

No matter where you have your party, whom you invite, or how many pizzas you order, the leftover pizza will always include Hawaiian and vegetarians. If you ordered a hundred pepperoni pizzas and one each of vegetarian and Hawaiian, the pepperoni pizzas would be the least likely to be left over. Everyone hates these two pizzas yet everyone insists on ordering them. If you ask your guests if they want either of these pizzas they will all nod yes, but when the pizza arrives they will all dive into the good stuff first. Only when there are no other options will you see people grudgingly reach for the veggie or Hawaiian. 90% of these pizzas are eaten at room temperature or below.

The greatest marketer of all time is the person who convinced the world that they needed to put pineapple on a pizza. Pineapple isn’t a pizza topping, it’s a desecration. Putting pineapple on pizza is like putting an ice cube in glass of fine red wine or mixing single malt scotch with Pepsi. What is the purpose of Hawaiian pizza anyway? At least vegetarian pizza has some ostensible purpose; to provide a pizza option for vegetarians. There is no need for Hawaiian pizza to exist. It’s as if it was invented for the sole purpose of ensuring that there would be some leftover pizza at parties. I am not a betting man, but if I were, I would bet that no pizzeria anywhere in the world has ever had a person purchase just a single Hawaiian pizza. It is only ever sold with a bunch of other pizzas to someone holding a party or event who has fallen for the myth that there are people who actually like Hawaiian pizza.

As I mentioned above, vegetarian pizza at least has a reason to exist, but that is still not a reason to ever have one at your party. I want to be clear that when I say that you should never order a vegetarian pizza, I am not saying that you should never order a pizza that has no meat on it. The problem with vegetarian pizza is that it is typically just a bunch of random vegetables thrown on without any thought as to how they go together. The hallmark of any truly great pizza is that it does not have too many toppings, but people who make vegetarian pizzas feel like they need to compensate for the lack of meat by piling on every vegetable they have.  If you want to serve your guests a meat free pizza, order up a margherita. The simple combination of mozzarella, basil, and tomato works perfectly. Even carnivores will often have themselves a slice. If your local pizza takeout doesn’t have a margherita, just order a plain cheese pizza. It may be simple, but it is better than the chaotic mess that is the vegetarian or the abomination that is the Hawaiian.