Don’t Ever Try to Make Cauliflower Pizza

I love pizza, but I am also trying to cut back on the carbs in order to lose a few pounds. I was looking around for some halfway appetizing low carb recipes and I came across something that appeared to be too good to be true; a recipe for pizza crust made out of cauliflower. The recipes I came across all looked fantastic, with thin, crispy crusts. I knew that it couldn’t possibly taste as good as regular pizza dough, but even if it was just halfway edible I figured I could mask the taste by piling on the toppings and sauce. Alas my dream of low carb pizza was short lived as I threw the whole thing in the garbage.

I don’t usually throw leftovers in the garbage; I generally throw them out for the crows that live in the woods behind my house. They generally love stale pizza leftovers but I didn’t bother giving them any of this because I seriously didn’t think they would eat it. It was the worst thing I have ever cooked. An absolute abomination. Cauliflower pizza is to regular pizza what gremlins are to mogwais. It is impossible to make cauliflower crust crispy. The outside of my crust was almost burnt and it was still soft.

This was the most disappointing thing I have ever made, not just because of the taste, but because it almost fooled me into believing that it might actually be not terrible. When I took the pizza out of the oven it looked fantastic, but then my dream was shattered as soon as I tried picking up the gooey mess. It’s like the first time I ever tried decaf coffee, only a hundred times worse. If you are trying to cut down on carbs, either don’t eat pizza or make a very thin crust. Do not try replacing flour with ground up cauliflower. If it was any good you would have seen one in a restaurant by now.